Can your Marriage be Saved?

If you are at the point of considering separation or divorce, either for the first time or yet again, you are probably also wondering if your marriage can be saved.

Sometimes it can.

If you still love each other, even if you are not happy together, you might be able to get through this difficult time and have a happy marriage again. It will take a lot of work though – changing your behaviours, and likely your thought patterns as well. A good first step is to either read a relationship book or to go to counselling. Couples counselling is best, but going on your own is also useful.

Some things that you should consider:

  • Do you understand how your relationship got to this point? If not, how could you find out?
  • Have you tried communicating what you are feeling and thinking to your partner, using words they will understand, at a time when they are receptive to listening? Do this at a time when you can say it calmly – not when you are angry or sad. Write it down in a letter, email or texts if it you are unable to say it in person (though personal communication is usually better). If you are unsuccessful with this, try learning about direct vs indirect communication styles, as well as the differences between how women and men communicate, and try again. If you feel that you haven’t been heard after the second time, it might help to make it clear that you are considering divorce if things don’t improve.
  • Are you unhappy because of something unrelated to your spouse, and expecting them to make you feel better? If so, focus instead on taking responsibility for your own happiness and discovering what thoughts, habits and activities you could change to improve your state of mind.
  • Is your debt or your partner’s spending habits part of the source of stress? Sometimes people shop for things they don’t need, or gamble money they shouldn’t spend, because they are trying to feel better emotionally or make up for low self-confidence. Or your household income might have unexpectedly dropped and now your bills are higher than your income. Sometimes a counsellor or financial advisor can act as a mediator and help find a solution.
  • Is a breach of trust an issue? Did your partner cheat on you or promise not to do something but break that promise? Only you can decide whether it is worth it to try to trust them again.
  • Is drinking too much, using too much marijuana, or using other drugs something that affects your relationship? Almost Alcoholic by Dr. Robert Doyle and similar books can give you perspective and better understanding. Sometimes going to Alanon or reading the Friends and Family section of the SoberRecovery forums will give you the perspective and courage to say something to your spouse that will make a difference.
  • Is your spouse rarely home due to working long hours or working away from home? Do you feel like you aren’t connected or supported any more? If so, have you talked about it and tried to find an option that works for both of you? Sometimes a once a week date night, hiring a cleaning person to visit twice a month, or doing new activities on your own will help.

Marriage Retreats:

Couples in Conflict on Gabriola Island

Couples Retreat in California and sometimes White Rock or Whistler

Free counselling:

  • Through EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) if you have one through your employer
  • With the minister/pastor/priest/rabbi of your church/mosque/synagogue, if you attend one
  • Through Ministry of Children and Families

Low cost counselling:

  • Some non-profit agencies and counselling schools offer low cost counselling. These programs change regularly, so search online for the latest options.
  • Due to the high cost of divorce, paying for counselling with your credit card or a family loan might be the best choice.

Sometimes it can’t.

Sometimes your partner has crossed the line, either once or many times, and you’re done. You’ve had enough and decided it is time to make some changes.

Sometimes your partner fell out of love with you long ago, but didn’t end the relationship at that time because your kids were young or they were not ready to make the change. It is difficult to relight that spark and open their heart to loving you again.

Sometimes your partner has already found someone else and has a new relationship. 

If you want to stay married but your partner doesn’t, start by asking what happened and listen with an open mind. Ask them if it is too late or if you can fix things. Then do what your heart tells you to do, as much as possible, as soon as possible.